Daria and the chesse wagon
by Lady Ami
Summary: After Briteny gets hit by a car Daria and co are to ride the bus and deal with horrors beyond there wildest dreams!!!


DARIA ON THE CHEESE WAGON  
  
By Lady Amy  
  
This story is for my twin and partner in crime, Lizzabelle Sue Mary Joe Parker Bob.  
  
  
  
Disclaimer-I don't own Daria...so suing me is a waste of your time and money. I also do not own any of the songs used in this fanfic...so once again suing me is pointless. I have no money!!!!! All you will get if you do sue me is my computer that has less memory then a goldfish...so go on sue me I dare you...then I will send my brothers and sisters after you. Oh one more thing these is MY STORY if you copy it or take any part of MY story without my say I will sue the shit out of you so don't copy MY STORY!!!  
  
Storyline-Brittany gets hit by a car walking home from Lawndale and parents are going to sue. So Ms. Lee decides that the kids must ride the bus to school...putting Daria and Jane in an unspeakable hell.  
  
  
  
*The Daria theme plays and ends. We see Brittany walking from Lawndale High when the Jaws theme starts to play and we see a car heading towards Brittany. The song gets louder has the two come closer together. Jaws theme ends when the car hits Brittany.  
  
Cut to Lawndale ER and we see Kevin running through the ER has the theme to "ER" plays. It ends when Kevin runs into Brittany's room and throws himself at her bedside. Brittany's arm is in a cast and so is her leg. Her head is wrapped up. *  
  
"BABE...BABE ARE YOU ALRIGHT!" cried Kevin.  
  
"I'm fine muffin, but I hit my head and broke my leg when the car hit me," whined Brittany.  
  
"I'm going to make sure this never happens to anyone again," said Kevin banging his hand on Brittany's leg cast and running out of the room.  
  
"OOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Brittany.  
  
*Alanis Morissette's "Front Row" plays and we see Ms. Lee and teachers in conference about Brittany's mishap. Music fades out and Ms. Lee starts talking*  
  
"Parents are very worried about the children walking home from Lawndale, and they want to know what we're going to do about it. Before they start suing us!!!" cried Ms. Lee. Mr. O' Neil stands up and speaks.  
  
"We could have crossing guards at each corner."  
  
"WHAT kinda of DUMB idea is THAT!! This is HIGH SCHOOL not PRESCHOOL!!!" yelled Mr. Demartio, his eye popping out every other word. Mr. O'Neil cringed and fell back into his seat. Ms. Brach glared at Mr. Demartio and he fell back into his seat.  
  
"Why don't we have the walkers ride the bus," said Ms. Brach.  
  
"Why...yes...that's is a WONDERFUL idea," said Ms. Lee with a smile.  
  
*Cut to Daria watching Sick Sad World when the phone rings and Daria answers it. It's Jane Lane*  
  
"Daria turn on the channel six news fast," said Jane. Daria changes the channel to find Ms. Lee on the news.  
  
"Ever since the car accident involving one of our walkers we here at Lawndale we have been very concerned about their safety. So starting tomorrow all walkers will ride the bus to Lawndale High."  
  
"Oh hell no," said Daria to the TV.  
  
"Yes...and if students are seen walking to Lawndale you will be supendended for endangerment to Lawndale high," said Ms. Lee. Daria turned the TV off.  
  
"Jane this isn't happening," said Daria.  
  
"Oh yes it is my merry little friend," said Jane.  
  
"Why can't Trent give us a ride?" asked Daria. Jane laughed.  
  
"Thanks Daria. I needed the laugh...Trent doesn't wake up till noon. If he gets up at all."  
  
"Damn-it. I hate riding the bus."  
  
"How come?" asked Jane.  
  
*Daria flashes back to riding the bus with Bevis and Butthead and cringes at the memory*  
  
"It's a story involving people I never want to see or hear from in this life or the next," snapped Daria.  
  
"Touchy, there's a bus stop near my house. Meet me at my house about seven," said Jane.  
  
"Daria...dinner," called Helen.  
  
"Look I have to go...see you tomorrow."  
  
"Bye."  
  
*Cut to Daria, Quinn, Helen, and Jake eating dinner*  
  
"I'm sooo glad that Mark is taking me to school so I don't have to ride the bus to school," smiled Quinn.  
  
"What about the rest of the Ku Klux Klan?" asked Daria reaching for the bread?  
  
"Riding with Mark too!!! And we are soo not the KKK white sheet are sooo 1930's and besides white isn't in fashion and the Fashion Club only wears what's in fashion," snapped Quinn.  
  
"Now girls. Stop fighting, Daria are you riding the bus?" asked Helen.  
  
"Yes." Jake smiled and starts talking.  
  
"I remember riding the bus...and all those god damn kids calling me names and tripping me. I'll get those BASTARDS!!!! EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM!!!!" Screamed Jake jumping up from his chair. Helen sighed.  
  
"You did get them dear, remember? You're they're boss."  
  
"Oh yeah," said Jake sitting down like nothing had happened.  
  
*The phone rings and Quinn answers it. It's Sandi, president of the Fashion Club*  
  
"Quinn we have a problem or something," said Sandi.  
  
"What is it?" asked Quinn.  
  
"Mark's car is totally wrecked and no one else has a car," said Sandi.  
  
"But that means..." started Quinn but Sandi finished.  
  
"Yes we must ride the bus to school."  
  
"But our rep!!!!" pleaded Quinn.  
  
"We will hold up our heads! We are the fashion club and we always come out on top."  
  
"All right bye then," said Quinn with tears in her eyes.  
  
"Bad news?" asked Helen.  
  
"I have to ride the bus!!!" sobbed Quinn running from the room.  
  
"Gee. I think she's upset," said Daria with a small smirk.  
  
*The next day a Jane's house seven a.m.*  
  
"Hey Daria," said Trent opening the door for her.  
  
"Oh...hi," said Daria hoping Trent wouldn't notice her blushing.  
  
"I would give you and Janie a ride but I have an early rehearsal," said Trent.  
  
"Have fun."  
  
"Whatever," said Trent smiling at Daria causing her to turn redder.  
  
"Yo," said Jane coming down the stairs and noticed Daria staring at Trent was he pulled out of the driveway.  
  
"Ahhh, little babies are sooo cute when they're in love," said Jane in a high-pitched voice.  
  
"Let's go," said a slightly pissed off Daria.  
  
*Cut to Daria and Jane at the bus stop*  
  
"What time is it," yawned Jane sitting on the sidewalk.  
  
"Seven o' five," said Daria joining Jane on the sidewalk.  
  
"Hello ladies," said a male voice. Daria and Jane turned around to see Up-Chuck walking up to them.  
  
"This can't get worse," muttered Daria. At that moment the whole fashion club showed up.  
  
"It just got worse," said Jane.  
  
"Joy O' Joy...we get to go to hell with the lynching crew," said Daria.  
  
"Hey Quinn...isn't that your cousin or something?" asked Tiffany pointing at Daria.  
  
"Yes it is and her little art friend too," said Staci. Up-Chuck saw them standing there and went over.  
  
"Hello ladies. Say...let's go back to my place and ride Up-Chuck's bus of love," he said giving Sandi a hug.  
  
"LIKE NOOOO UP-CHUCK!!! GO BACK TO THAT SMELLY LITTLE HOLE YOU CRAWLED OUT OF!!!!!" screamed Sandi slapping Up-Chuck.  
  
"OOWWW I get the point," whined Up-Chuck holding the right side of his face.  
  
"Life and its humor," snickered Jane.  
  
"To bad it isn't funny," said Daria. At that moment the bus pulled.  
  
"Let's get this over with," said Jane getting on the bus. Daria followed. The bus driver was a woman in her fifties with short brown hair that looked like it hadn't been washed in almost two years and was frizzed out. She also had the worst case of BO that Daria had every come across. She was also in need of losing some weight.  
  
"GET ON, SIT DOWN, AND NO YELLING ON THE BUS!!!" screamed the bus driver.  
  
"Is she Mr. Demartio's wife?" asked Jane sitting down.  
  
"I wonder," said Daria sitting by Jane.  
  
"Oh my god...that women is sooo in need of our help," said Tiffany.  
  
"Do you think it's to late for a makeover?" asked Quinn.  
  
"She needs to wash her hair and put on some rose blush," said Staci.  
  
"Very well then. Has long as we have to ride this...thing we may as well but our fashion sense to the test. We are going to save the bus driver she is going to get the hugest makeover that Lawndale High has ever seen," said Sandi.  
  
At the next stop Britteny, Kevin, Jodie and Michael (Mac Daddy) got on the bus. Kevin was helping Britteny on the bus and she hit her head on the door.  
  
"Owww Kevy...watch what you're doing!!!" whined Britteny.  
  
"Sorry babe," said Kevin.  
  
"GET ON, SIT DOWN, AND NO YELLING ON THE BUS!!!" screamed the women behind the wheel.  
  
"Wow someone has a major case of PNS, right Mac-Daddy?" asked Kevin.  
  
"It's PMS and stop calling me Mac-Daddy!!!" snapped Michael.  
  
"Chill out Mac-Daddy." Michael sighed and sat down near the back with Jodie. Kevin and Britteny sat down behind Daria and Jane.  
  
"You know...that cast makes you look really cute," said Kevin putting his hand under Brittany's shirt. * The Bad Touch by the Bloodhound Gang starts and we cut to Daria and Jane in front of them and the song fades when Daria starts talking  
  
"Jane, turn around and tell me that Kevin and Britteny aren't making out in the seat," said Daria when Kevin's shirt came flying over the seat and landed right on Daria's head.  
  
"Oh sorry," said a shirtless Kevin grabbing the shirt off Daria's head.  
  
"God hates us," said Daria. *Cut to the bus driving down the street and the Bad Touch starts up again. It ends when we cut to Jodie.*  
  
"What is that smell," said Jodie holding her nose.  
  
"Piss...Vomit...skunk.." said Jane.  
  
"And Brittany's perfume," said Daria.  
  
"Are we there yet? This seat is sticking to my pants!!" whined Staci.  
  
"This is really bad on my complexion," said Sandi.  
  
"I'm starting to sweat and my make-up is going to run," said Quinn. The bus reached the school and the bus driver stood up with little cards in her hand and she started passing them out.  
  
"I want these filled out by tomorrow so we can keep a record of who rides the bus and...SWEET MARY AND JOSEPH WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?!?!?!" screamed the Bus driver. She found Kevin and Britteny making out.  
  
"THAT'S IT I'M PUTTING YOU IN ASSIGNED SEATS NO BOY-GIRL SEATING!!!"  
  
"What about girl-boy seating?" asked Kevin.  
  
"IT'S THE SAME THING...PUT YOUR SHRIT ON!"  
  
"I thought segartion ended in the sixty's," said Jane.  
  
"I DON'T LIKE YOUR SMART MOUTH. YOU TWO CAN'T SIT TOGETHER EITHER!!!"  
  
"Who am I suppose to sit with then?" asked Daria.  
  
"HER!!" pointing to Quinn.  
  
"She can't sit with me!!!!"whined Quinn  
  
"THEN YOU CAN SIT WITH HER!!" pointing to Sandi.  
  
"That's fine with me!!" said Quinn sitting next to Sandi.  
  
"So where are we sitting?" asked Jane.  
  
"YOU!!" pointing to Tiffany. "YOU SIT WITH HER!!"  
  
"But..."protested Jane.  
  
"NO BUTS!!! SIT NOW!!!" Jane muttered something about bus whores and sat down next to Tiffany.  
  
"YOU SIT WITH HER!!!" pointing to Staci.  
  
"Oh Staci I'm so sorry," said Quinn.  
  
"Why me?" whined Staci.  
  
"YOU...MY LITTLE BLOND TRAMP SIT NEXT TO HER!!" pointing to Jodie.  
  
"But I sit with Michael," protested Jodie.  
  
"AND I SAID NO MORE BOY-GIRL SEATING SO MOVE MISSY!!!" Jodie muttered something about a lawsuit and sat next to a sweaty Britteny.  
  
"YOU MY LITTLE FOOTBALL PLAYER SIT NEXT TO HIM," pointing to Michael.  
  
"Cool we get to sit next to each other Mac-Daddy!" said Kevin sitting down next to Michael. Michael was going to tell him not to call him "Mac- Daddy" but changed his mind knowing it was pointless.  
  
"NOW ALL OF YOU GET OFF MY BUS!!!" screamed the bus driver.  
  
"God what a bitch. I think she's Mr. Demartio's sister," said Jane. Kevin and Britteny were last off.  
  
"Gee I think the fashion club would like to know where Kevin shops," said Jane has an inside out and backwards shirt Kevin walked past them.  
  
*Cut to Mr. O' Neil's class*  
  
"Now I want to talk with you kids about riding the bus. I know most of you used to walk to school so riding the bus must be a huge change. Lets talk about how the bus makes you feel. Jane, what do you think about the bus?" asked Mr. O' Neil.  
  
"Do you want my censored version of what I think or uncensored version of what I think?"  
  
"You shouldn't have to censor what you think. So let it all out Jane."  
  
"Fine. I hate the bus. I hate the bus driver...she's nothing but a bus whore to me who thinks that we need to sit same sex in a seat out of fear that we might make out with the boy in our seat. Well what are going to do if we have a gay guy ride the bus? He can't sit with a girl. Or what if we have a Bi-sexual or a cross dresser. Are they supposed to sit by themselves? What if there are no empty seats. I stick with my first thought on her...she's the bus whore."  
  
"Ummm. Ok. Daria, what do you think of the bus?"  
  
"Jane said exact the same thing I was going to say."  
  
"Jodie?"  
  
"Kevin and Britteny made out on the bus and all of us suffer. I have to sit with Britteny. Daria has to sit with a member of the fashion club Michael has to sit with Kevin. It's not fair. I agree with Jane. The bus driver is a whore."  
  
"You make it sound like sitting with me is a bad thing," squeaked Britteny. *The bell rings and the class walks out cut to Daria's house and Quinn is pacing around the living room while Limp Bizkit's Break Stuff plays. Song fades out when Daria walks in*  
  
"You look upset. Did they cancel today's hanging?" asked Daria.  
  
"No it's that stupid bus!! It smells and you can't sit with whom you want to and you can't sit with boys. If I wanted to make out with a boy I wouldn't do it on that yucky bus. I make them take me to a five star hotel. The fashion club is going to see if Ms. Lee won't change her mind about making us ride the bus."  
  
"What are you going to do? Put a burning cross on Ms. Lee's lawn?" asked Daria.  
  
"Ok Daria I don't know what year you're living in but cross burning is soooo twenty years ago...we're the fashion club we can get anything we want," said Quinn with an evil smile. *Cut to the next morning with the Fashion club in Ms. Lee's office*  
  
"YOU GIRLS WILL RIDE THE BUS WITHOUT ANY TROUBLE," screamed Ms. Lee. The fashion club walked out.  
  
"God what a bitch," said Quinn.  
  
"We'll wait she can't say no forever," said Sandi.  
  
*Two weeks later*  
  
"Ms. Lee stilling saying no?" asked Daria has Quinn walked pasted her at the bus stop. Quinn frowned but kept walking.  
  
"I take it that is a yes," said Jane not looking up from her drawing.  
  
"What are you doing?" asked Daria.  
  
"My latest artwork," said Jane holding a distorted drawing of the bus driver. "I was suppose to have it done last night for my art class, but Summer called wanting to know if we would wire her money for Sarah's bail. So I didn't get it done. I'll finish it on the bus," said Jane. At that moment the bus pulled up. They got on. Jane was sitting on the outside so Tiffany could look out the window and talk to Quinn and Sandi who sat in the seat in front of them. Daria and Staci were in the seat across from them. Jodie sat near the front, two seats in front of her was Kevin and Michael. And in the very first seat was Up-Chuck who fell in love with the bus driver and for the past two weeks had been trying to pick up on her. Today Up-chuck was trying to woe her with his poems.  
  
"Your hair like silk. Your eyes like the ocean, won't you please take my virginity," said Up-Chuck in his most seducing voice.  
  
"WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!" screamed the bus driver. They were a block away from the school when they came to a detour. "Damn it I have to back track," said the bus driver. She turned the bus around and started driving down a really bumpy ally way.  
  
"Damn-it...Damn-it...Damn-it.... GOD DAMN-IT SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Jane throwing down her notebook and standing up. The bumps had caused Jane to mess up the drawing that she was trying to ink. The bus driver slammed on the brakes and stood up.  
  
"She has Turrets," said Daria.  
  
"I DON'T GIVE A DAMN!!!! YOU KNOW THE RULES!!!! NOW GET OFF MY BUS!!!" screamed the bus driver.  
  
"You can't kick her off in the middle of nowhere," said Daria angrily.  
  
"YES I CAN AND YOU CAN GO WITH HER!!!"  
  
"Fine come on Daria," said Jane grabbing her notebook and Daria's arm. They got off the bus and she drove off leaving them in the ally.  
  
"I hope you're happy," said Daria.  
  
"No I'm not. I didn't get to tell her that I think she's a filthy whore," said Jane.  
  
"Let's go." They got to the road and were about to cross when Ms. Lee saw them.  
  
"WHAT DO YOU GIRLS THINK YOU'RE DOING!!!!" shirked Ms. Lee.  
  
"We got kicked off the bus," said Jane.  
  
"I WANT YOU TWO IN MY OFFICE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!"  
  
*In Ms. Lee's office*  
  
"You broke a major bus rule that could have caused harm to your fellow students then you started walking to school!!! That's endangerment to Lawndale high I can suspend you girls."  
  
"She kicked off in the middle of nowhere. What were we suppose to do? Wait for a taxi?" asked Daria.  
  
"Why I oughta..." started Ms. Lee when the phone rang. "Hello."  
  
"Ms. Lee, this is Mrs. Purim at the Bus Department and there is a small problem with the bus fund at Lawndale," she said  
  
"What's the problem?"  
  
"Well with the cost of paying the drivers and keeping the buses in working order you're looking at over a two million dollars," said Mrs. Purim.  
  
"OVER TWO MILLION DOLLERS!!!!!" screamed Ms. Lee. Jane and Daria are staring at Ms. Lee.  
  
"You girls can go now," said Ms. Lee turning back to the phone.  
  
*Cut to Daria and Jane watching the news at Jane's house*  
  
"After finding that the buses were unsafe for our students here at Lawndale High we have decided that students are allowed to start walking again. We have put a crossing guard at each corner near the...." Jane turned the TV off.  
  
"Well that's it no more big scary cheese wagon for us," said Jane turning to her easel with the almost finished painting of the bus driver.  
  
"What's this called?" asked Daria.  
  
"Bus Whore A la Cart," said Jane.  
  
  
  
*Cut to Sandi's house*  
  
"Hold still we're almost done," said Quinn.  
  
"Are you sure about this?" asked the women in the chair.  
  
"You have such great hair," said Tiffany pulling her hair back into a bun.  
  
"Just a little more blush...they're all done," said Sandi.  
  
"Oh my god!!!! You never know she drives a bus," said Staci.  
  
"Call me Mary," said the bus driver smiling. The doorbell rang and Tiffany answered it. Mr. Demartio was standing there.  
  
"Is Mary here?" he asked.  
  
THE END 


End file.
